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Testimonials

When I was asked to write this testimony I did not know where to begin.  The truth is that taking part in the process of the Journey has been life changing.  There are so many areas in my life (or layers in my onion) that have dramatically improved that trying to tell someone my story seemed daunting. 

But the truth is there is one change which lies at the core of all the other changes and has had the greatest ripple effect in my life....I began to love.  It seems like such a cliché but I was not really loving anyone, including myself.  I was only putting on a great performance to fool myself and others that I was a good, loving person.  In truth, all my outward shows of love towards others were centered around one thing...meeting my own need for acceptance.  I was considered by all around me as a warm, friendly, bubbly person.  I volunteered my time to many committees and jobs in my church and community.  I was fun to be around and if someone needed a loving hug or uplifting words you could count on me.  I was affectionate towards my husband and made sure that I told him and my kids everyday that I loved them.  But the reality inside me was different.  If I told someone I loved them it was in order to hear it said back to me.  If I helped someone in need it was so others would think I was warm and generous.  If I hugged a crying friend it was so I could feel that I was a good friend and assure myself a place in their life.  My actions, although outwardly loving, were ultimately performed to keep hidden from myself an ugly possibility: in quiet moments I often panicked with fear that I was incapable of really feeling love for anyone.  I was cold and numb.  I succeeded on a regular basis at fooling my head, but I could never fool my heart.  It knew that my "love" towards my friends, family, husband and even my kids was largely a charade.  Deep down I asked myself, "what kind of person can be like this?  Who isn't capable of love?" I concluded that only a monster could not love.  In order to cope with this fear I did two things.  1) I ramped up my performance to convince myself that others couldn't see through my facade and more importantly to hide the ugly truth from myself and 2) I felt guilt.  The second is a downward spiral into hopelessness and self-hate. 

When I discovered the path to emotional healing that “The Journey” provided, I latched onto it like a hungry child.  I had no idea that my life was going to change but somehow I knew that gaining the knowledge and understanding of the why and how of my emotions and thoughts (my character) was the key to unlocking my heart from the prison I felt I was in.  The lock that key went in was my willingness to believe that as a child of God, He would not have created me without the ability to love.  So slowly, with the power of knowledge, I began to step out into the belief that even though my head was damaged and screaming that I was unworthy of love, I could choose to act in the belief that my Creator does not make junk. 

It was a gradual process but one day I realized that I had changed.  It happened with a story I now call "The Corn Dog Story."  My husband had asked me to make him a corndog (you know the ones on a wooden stick).  I proceeded to "lovingly" put it in the oven for him and make the rest of his dinner.  When the timer went off I made the mistake of grabbing the wooden stick with my bare hands.  Of course, I instantly pulled my hand away but it was too late, I had burned myself.  My husband had witnessed all of this and instead of a voice of concern I heard, "How can you be so stupid?"

Well this was indeed a "Y Way" moment for me.  My previous MO would have been to  instantly feel sorry for myself, retreat into a mess of "woe is me", want to cry, silently resent him but never say so and punish him with the silent treatment for the next few hours.  I confess that for about a minute I went to that place.  My mind actually longed to feel that self-pitying cocoon of lack of worth.  But I had knowledge now.  In a flash I thought, not of how I had been wounded, but of my husband.  It was late in the day and I knew he was tired and hungry.  But most of all, because he had begun some of his own recovery and had shared it with me, I knew why he was lashing out like that.  I knew that his anger often covered up feelings that weren't about me at all, feelings of inadequacy which my actions sometimes triggered.  That knowledge helped me remove my feelings of hurt and focus on compassion for my husband.  In other words, in that moment I loved my husband truly for the first time in our 10 year marriage.  I turned around to him and instead of giving him the hateful look he was expecting, I said "You must be in a lot of pain right now."  He looked at me stunned for a few seconds and then the tension broke from his face. He smiled and said, "Wow, you really are healing!"

Did I accomplish some supernatural feat?  Actually yes it was supernatural but I didn't accomplish it.  When I allowed knowledge to help me remove the garbage of lies and self-pity and the desire to wallow in the rejection  I wanted to feel, then I made room for God-love to flow through me and out to my husband.  What I felt and said in that moment was not a human experience but a divine one.  That (and infinitely more) is how God loves us.  He created us to love one another in that same way.  But our sin (or self-centeredness) prevents that kind of God-love to flow out onto others.  Because I was emotionally immature, only concerned about myself and my all consuming needs, I had never felt how good it was to think about others and love them as yourself. 

Since then I have experienced those moments more and more frequently.  I do not always feel that kind of divine love, especially if I am at a low point, sick, tired or hungry.  It is an everyday thought-style change for me.  I choose to surround myself with things and people who help me to stay connected to that kind of knowledge.  This transformation has affected not only every relationship but nearly every aspect of my life from how I treat my kids to how I make dinner.  I more often than not experience peace, joy and contentment and feel God's love for His princess (me) like a protective blanket that assures me I am loved, and therefore capable of loving.  Ultimately it is the only purpose for this short life.               - Madelin

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