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Often it takes a crisis for one to ask that age old question of why did this happen to me.  Which then begs the question of how did I get into this mess to begin with.  Hopefully, this leads to the realization that we need to examine ourselves rather than just rage that the world is unfair.  As my friend Ellen says, “Sometimes God sends you a gentle reminder and sometimes he knocks you upside the head”.  

I had to be knocked in the head.  Four years ago I found my world falling apart .  I was desperately trying to save an abusive, dysfunctional marriage and did not have the knowledge or skills to even begin to know how.  I reached out to Ellen for help and she sent me tapes of several Rockey seminars.  They were full of interesting information and I wanted to learn more.  Next she started working through "Binding the Wounds" - a 22 week program with me.  This was a precursor to the current "The Journey" - four segments of ten weeks each.  We did this weekly over the phone since a group meeting was not close by and I often travel for work.  Her time was a gift of love to me.  Slowly, I started to shift my focus from one of “his craziness is causing all the problems” to one of “what on earth made me make the choices in life that I have”.   I stopped trying to change and control my husband’s behavior and came to the realization that the only person that I could change or control was me---and that I wasn’t doing a very good job of it at that.  At this point, I understood that answers could be found.  But how to get to those answers eluded me.  I needed help. 

The marriage didn’t survive, but I did.  As I worked my way through the divorce and its aftermath, I ate up LRI programs.  They helped me to cope and they made the pain go away.  Over the past four years I’ve participated in several LRI programs and seminars.

In looking at my beginnings and understanding their effects, I was able to identify and feel long repressed anger and other emotions.  Next, I learned how to release them rather than carry those negative feelings around hidden, bubbling away under my surface.  Anger has been replaced with empathy.  I am less anxious and less needy.  I no longer feel personally responsible for the happiness of others.  This has been the best gift ever.

At long last, I am learning who I really am, rather than living up to my ill conceived perception of who I should appear to be.  I am learning who God made me to be.  It’s so awesome to see that as I have grown emotionally, people have changed their reactions to me.  My relationships are healthier.  Just like your physics teacher told you, every action has an equal reaction.  They really should teach this stuff in school.  It would have served me far better than physics class.

If you ask me, it’s much easier without the life crisis. Don’t wait, make the time. I know some who think that they don’t need to examine their beginnings or to better understand their inner selves or to understand how their brain works.  They had a good childhood with wonderful parents.  So did I.  My parents loved me and I had a terrific childhood by many measures.  It took me time to understand that I stored feelings in my developing brain through the eyes of a small child.  As a child, I was not able to comprehend the adult world or reasons for adult decisions.  My parents carried their own emotional wounds to boot.  I was a high achieving child who often felt stupid or not good enough because when it came down to it, I wasn’t smart enough to know how to make my parents feel happy.  I felt responsible for their feelings.  Now, I don’t.  It’s that simple, and it’s very freeing.  

Currently, I participate in a conference call based group that has completed "The Passenger" and is now working on "The Mode".  Also I facilitate another small phone group that is working on "The Passenger".  The time spent doing this is one of the best parts of my week.  Even if the material is not new; I receive it differently each time.  With each session, I discover more.  Hearing other group member’s talk about their experiences unlocks old memories.  In relating to their stories, I learn my own. And often their comments are so thought provoking that I spend the next day mulling them over only to unlock a hidden truth.  I am so grateful to each one of them.  It is truly a wonderful Journey.
                                                                     --Anne S.--

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