Testimonials
The first time I had the opportunity to attend a Rockey Seminar, I chose to stay away. What did I need to learn? After all, I had my life together.
- Unlike most of my friends and acquaintances, I was still married to my first wife.
- I had a job that was more than a job. I was giving back. I had been a teacher in a parocial school. I was working in health care. I was volunteering at my church.
- My kids were doing OK.
- I assumed the program was about figuring out how your parents messed you up and them dealing with them. I wasn’t about to cause my terminally ill, 84 year old mother any more angst.
- I had a pretty good childhood. I had everything I needed. I was never abused.
- I always did great in school and every job.
Why should I worry about my beginnings?
A year later due to arm-twisting by my friends, I joined a small group. What I learned was that I was living in self-delusion. It wasn’t about what was wrong with my parents but it was what was wrong with me. I discovered way too many holes in my life. I didn’t even know I had them because I worked so hard to keep them filled so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. I didn’t use alcohol. Instead I used socially acceptable “drugs” such as hard work and achievement to fill the holes.
Before I got involved, one of my friends who was a year ahead of me in learning asked me, “how do you want us to look at you? What do you want us to think / feel when we’re around you?” I don’t know where the answer came from and I especially don’t know why this one time I was able to be totally honest – that wasn’t like me to be vulnerable. At the time I didn’t know how true my answer was.
I replied, “I want to be seen as valuable. I want to contribute to your life.” I didn’t even have a hint of where that response came from. It was a spur of the moment feeling.
This is how I grew up.
- I didn’t hate my mom but she was just there. I don’t remember any cuddles and kisses. She worked all through my childhood, often as a night nurse so she was sleeping during the day. I learned at her funeral that she almost died giving birth to me. I never knew that. What a blatant sign that we had no real relationship since she never once shared the dramatic story of my first days. We were not bonded.
- I didn’t hate my dad but the household revolved around his opinion. I complied with every verbalized and assumed demand be it school or chores and never questioned anything. I didn’t even understand what it was like to have a two sided conversation. I remember well the first time he told me he loved me – I was forty. There was no connection. I can’t remember ever, even to today, having a meaningful discussion.
- In school my teachers loved me. I was the perfect student. My work was always early and if not perfect, close to it. I was never in trouble. It wasn’t until I was one week from high school graduation that I was called into the principal’s office for the first time.
- On the job I was a great worker. I was not only on time but usually an hour early. I was the perpetual volunteer to accomplish anything. And those many “anythings” were always a success.
- My adult friends thought I was great because I learned to cook their favorite food. I looked for opportunities to do stuff for them. Many a Sunday was spent helping out a friend plant a garden, build a garage, move or ….
I have The Journey to thank for helping me understand why I was so driven, why I had the need to succeed at everything. Up till now, I was never brave enough to really look at myself. More important than that, I didn’t know how. I didn’t even have the tools to learn what I needed to know about myself.
Remember my response to my friend – “I want to be valued.” How true that was. Once I really looked in the mirror I discovered that at the core of my being I didn’t believe I had any value or worth. (kind of pathetic for an overachiever!) I unconsciously believed that the only way you might like me or accept me was if I did lots of “somethings” for you. After all, how could you be a friend with someone as worthless as me? But there was a slim chance that you might let me hang out with you if you appreciated all the stuff I could accomplish.
My early experiences set me up with a wrong conclusion about myself. I ended up in a cycle of trying harder and harder to please others so I could feel good about myself.
- That meant that my relationships were based on stuff rather than a personal, heart-to-heart connection. I didn’t have any real friend because I didn’t know how to be a true friend – meaning there was no one in my life with whom I could be vulnerable, be who I really was. When I took my son to be tested for Aids there was no one to share it with; no one to stand beside me. I could fill several pages with examples like that.
- That meant I didn’t have time for my own family ‘cause I was always doing things. In my mind I was totally justified because all of them were good things.
- I rarely took time for myself or spent any money on things I wanted – after all I wasn’t worth it.
- I didn’t know the words to describe it but I desperately wanted acceptance. I wanted to belong. I wanted you to like me, not the stuff I did.
Are things different today? Absolutely.
- I haven’t forgiven my parents for my early beginnings because there is nothing to forgive. Instead I feel sorry about the lost opportunities. I’m sad because we both missed out on the real meaning of family. My parents gave me everything they could. They both grew up on farms during the depression. They never learned how to have real relationships from their parents so how could they possibly pass that on to me when it was totally outside the scope of their understanding.
- For the first time I’m experiencing unconditional love. I have friends who will never reject me even though I may act like a jerk. And better than that, they’ll hold me accountable for my behavior just like I do for them.
- I’m free from the performance cycle, from trying to earn your acceptance through works, from performing. Being me is good enough. Sure I still cook for my friends but I do it now because it brings me joy, not because I’m trying to make them like me.
- I’m a better employee and boss. I used to pussyfoot around tough conversations (because I was afraid you might not like me). Now I’m free to share who I am with my staff and to confront difficult situation openly and honestly.
- Even though my own kids are adults as I’ve changed they’ve begin modeling some of those changes and our relationship is better than it’s ever been.
- You’d think that during all these years that I would have been able to at least be open with my wife. Not true. My growth is impacting this relationship as well. We’re tighter than we’ve ever been. (and yes, that special husband/wife activity is lots better too!)
What’s different today is that true knowledge has allowed me to develop different and accurate conclusions about myself. Now I have the option to travel the road to joy and happiness with real relationships where before I was stuck in the gerbil cage running around the wheel trying to prove my worth and value. - A seminar and group attendee -
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